TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely from position. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But yes, guaranteed, let us have One more location where by American Guys can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: supply Absolutely everyone a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It's that he really should halt using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the job, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Great tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head seen from House, a characteristic getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after getting the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It can be not only unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Functions


Probably the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local climate control established to "distant"



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Forever."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "the place's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting notice from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort where my PTSD might have switch-down company."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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